


In The Name of Love

by ninjamcgarrett



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Porn, Burlesque, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Pole Dancing, Smut, porn stars, they're one big family that just like to fuck for a living and fall in love on the side
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-01
Updated: 2013-11-26
Packaged: 2017-12-16 18:28:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/865203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninjamcgarrett/pseuds/ninjamcgarrett
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Assvengers are the world's most popular porn stars. They work for SHIELD and live together in the penthouse apartments of Stark Tower. When they're not filming porn movies (like "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Boner" or "Busty the Vampire Slayer"), they goof off, fall in love, and maybe even learn how to do burlesque and pole dance from Nat in their spare time while trying to keep their real identities a secret from the public. (I promise it's all fluff and smut for the mini-plots within this series. It's set up like a sitcom with individual plots that all connect, interspersed with stand-alone chapters with hilariously badly-themed porn movies they make. Enjoy!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ass-emble

Steve’s alarm went off early on Monday. He cracked one eye open at the loud music as he batted his phone off the nightstand to stop the noise. Bucky had changed his alarm to blare Luther Vandross’ “Never Too Much” and Steve groaned. Only Bucky would be that outright; then again, Steve wouldn’t put it past Tony or Clint to do the same.

His feet hit the floor and he stretched before pulling on shorts, an Army shirt, and tennis shoes. Steve slipped out of the apartment he shared with Bucky and made his way to the private gym on the top floor of Stark Tower. The sun would be rising soon, the clouds dark and grey outside the windows in the gym. Steve fiddled with the music on his phone, cursing Tony for updating it to the latest software, making it impossible for him to operate the blasted thing. He was sure that the billionaire did it just to make Steve nuts and to laugh while Steve grumbled and tried to fix his phone.

He pressed his hand to the touchpad by the door, waiting for it to beep green before entering the gym. Steve found it deserted and climbed onto one of the treadmills, setting a course of four miles and starting his playlist. His feet pounded to the rhythm that bumped through his headphones and soon his shirt was clinging to his back as he pushed himself harder, wanting to keep up his record of four-minute miles.

Steve watched the first rays of dawn peek through the clouds outside as his mind wandered, thinking over how he had found himself in the gym of Stark Tower at twenty-eight – and working in the porn industry.

He’d always been skinny and underdeveloped while growing up; Steve remembered multiple occasions where Bucky had leapt into the middle of fights, fists flying, to protect Steve from the bullies at their school in Brooklyn. After high school, Bucky had enlisted with the Army and been shipped off to Iraq while Steve had managed to sweet-talk a recruiter into giving him a chance – and a ROTC scholarship – to NYU. His commanding officer, a man by the name of Colonel Phillips, had grunted his disgust the first time he’d seen Steve, before proceeding to take him under his wing and train him. Within a few short months, Steve had gained thirty pounds of muscle, filled out physically, and was scoring the highest grade on the physical fitness test in his battalion. Once he had commissioned as a second lieutenant, Steve had been assigned to the 107th infantry unit stationed in Afghanistan. Due to his intelligence and commanding presence, Steve had been recruited to a secret ops unit and ran missions that targeted finding and destroying cells of al-Qaeda terrorists.

Once the war was over though, Steve was no longer needed to command a Delta Force unit and he had been assigned to a reserve unit and shipped back to the States. Bucky had heard that Steve was coming home and called him, telling him to come back to New York because he had a job lined up for Steve. What Bucky had neglected to tell Steve, however, was that said job was working for a company called SHIELD – a porn production company. At first, Steve had objected to the job, but then, after the first film, he had discovered how oddly liberating the experience was. So, he had stuck with it, and now, two years later, he had a small family from the production company and was rather happy with his life.

While filming their third film, Steve and Bucky had met the “godfather” of SHIELD Productions – Tony Stark. The billionaire playboy was something of a rock star in the porn industry and he had taken a liking to the two Army boys from Brooklyn. Finding his penthouse in Stark Tower rather lonely, Tony had told, rather than asked, them to move in with him. Over the next six months, the three men had met Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, Darcy Lewis, and Thor (no one in the group actually remembered his real name but since he embodied such physical power, they had begun calling him Thor and it had stuck). Slowly, Tony’s penthouse had filled up with the rather odd group of porn stars, but each had come to call the place home and the others who shared it their family.

Surprisingly, having seven porn stars living under one roof worked rather well. At the end of the day, they were all too exhausted or turned off from it to even think about sleeping with one another. The director of SHIELD Productions had once tried to pair Natasha with another porn star from the newly acquired “Fantastic Four” group – and promptly had the project blow up in his face. It was an unwritten rule now that the seven “Assvengers” – as they called themselves – would only film porn movies with one another and no one else. In the end, that ultimatum had worked incredibly well for SHIELD, as the multitude of Assvengers films were their highest grossing productions.

A soft whirring behind Steve indicated that the doors were sliding open to let in another person. He hopped off the treadmill, having finished his run, and smiled as he headed toward the punching bag.

“Morning, Barton,” he said, watching the older man throw a half-awake salute in his direction as he headed for the shooting range at the far end of the gym.

Steve wrapped his knuckles and the next half hour passed in silence as he boxed and Clint practiced his archery. The Hawk – so-called by Bucky and Tony for his odd habits of perching and squawking in protest to something – notched an arrow and twisted his torso, keeping his eye on the windows in front of him, letting the arrow fly. It flew across the gym and sank into the punching bag, missing Steve’s hands by mere inches.

“Christ!” Steve stepped back, eyeing the arrow where it had buried in the bag. “Clint, bud, it’s too early for your ninja shenanigans.”

The archer shrugged and smiled. “Sorry, Steve, but I couldn’t resist. Besides,” he said, nodding toward the large screen on one wall with a blinking alert, “it’s almost time to leave for our meeting.”

Both men put away their gear and left for their respective apartments within the penthouse floor. Steve flipped on the shower to heat up before going into Bucky’s room and shaking the lump of covers and still body.

“Buck, rise and shine! We have to leave in twenty minutes.”

A grunt and mumbled “fuck you” sounded from somewhere under a pillow. Steve just rolled his eyes and smiled before leaving to brew coffee and place it on the nightstand next to Bucky’s bed. He knew that by the time he was out of the shower, Bucky would have dragged himself out from under his cocoon of blankets to mainline the coffee until he was awake. Sure enough, by the time Steve left the steamy bathroom to dress, his best friend was leaning against the door to his room with one eye open and the mug practically attached to his lips. The red star tattooed on Bucky’s left bicep stood out in a stray beam of sunshine that had found its way past the blinds and into their apartment. When both men were finally dressed and ready to leave the apartment, Bucky was marginally more sociable, grumbling only minimally while knotting his tie.

“Remind me again why we have to dress up for this meeting? I fucking hate ties.”

Steve smirked, adjusted his best friend’s pitiful attempt at a knotted tie. “Because. The studio wants to send out a professional image, ergo, we wear professional suits and ties when we have production meetings.”

Bucky snorted. “We’re a porn company, Steve, not a Fortune 500 company.”

Steve grabbed a nearby newspaper and smacked Bucky’s shoulder with it. “Don’t be so sure about that anymore. We cracked the index last month. SHIELD Productions is the first porn company to do so.”

The shorter man grinned. “Guess we’re something of rock stars then.” He opened the door and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “In that case then, it’s time to call the rest of the band.”

He bellowed down the hallway, “Assvengers _ass_ emble!”

Steve pushed Bucky through the door, trying not to laugh. “That’s my line, you jerk.”


	2. SHIELD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Assvengers attend the quarterly meeting at SHIELD headquarters. The list of movies they'll be filming brings some surprises and laughs.

The rest of the tenants of the penthouse of Stark Tower tumbled out of their rooms in pairs. Thor came out of Darcy’s suite munching on a pastry of some sort with a topping that looked suspiciously like crumbled PopTarts – his weakness. He was nodding animatedly as she listed the ingredients. As they reached Steve and Bucky, Darcy opened the container she held to reveal more pastries – a mix of baklava and the PopTart topping. Bucky moaned happily, diving for one of the confections while Steve smiled and politely thanked her.

“Morning, boys,” she chirped, a smile on her face, dark red lipstick making her eyes more luminous than usual. “Whipped these up for the meeting while Thor was hogging the bathroom.”

“Oi!” the Australian objected around a mouthful of food. “It’s not everyday I have to wear a suit; I wanted to make sure I looked somewhat decent.”

Darcy patted his arm sympathetically. “I know, darling, but you look indecent in the suit. You’d be decent out of it – and everything else.”

Her eyes sparked as Bucky choked on his breakfast and Steve rolled his eyes.

“Children,” the blond soldier warned. “Don’t start that. We are going to a production meeting, not a dress rehearsal.”

Before Thor or Darcy could retort, the door to Clint’s apartment opened and out came the archery professor, squawking and batting his hands at Natasha as she tried to reach his hair.

“Honestly, Barton,” she muttered. “You look like you have a bird’s nest up there. Let me fix it. And fix your tie – the crooked, loose look went out of style two years ago.”

“It did not!” he said indignantly, looking offended, his hands covering the limp knot in defense. He eyed her warily, waiting for Nat to make her move. “You’re just being fussy.”

Nat merely quirked one eyebrow at him before smiling at Steve and Bucky.

“Good morning,” she said, pinning her hair back in an effortless and efficient bun.

Bucky wiped crumbs of the now-vanished pastry from his tie and self-consciously straightened his tie. Steve simply smiled at her over his cup of coffee.

 As he opened his mouth to return her greeting, the door to Tony’s apartment opened and emitted the owner of Stark Tower along with Bruce Banner. They were bickering about the latest findings from the Higgs-Boson particle accelerator. Taking no notice of the other Assvengers gathered in the large entryway, the two men continued to argue as Tony set the alarm system and shut his door.

“Gentlemen,” Steve said, his voice full of the subtle command he’d learn to infuse from his years serving in a warzone.

Both Tony and Bruce looked up, realizing for the first time that they weren’t alone.

“Ah, excellent, we’re all here,” Tony said while Darcy offered a pastry to Bruce and he very quietly accepted it.

“Shall we?” Steve asked, motioning toward the elevator.

All eight friends piled into the spacious elevator and exited in the underground garage. They managed to fit into three cars; everyone vying to have Darcy in their car so as to steal more food from her. The drive to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters took fifteen minutes in the traffic of Manhattan on an early Tuesday morning. When they arrived, they were shown through the lobby, past hopeful interns and overtly pretty men and women gripping applications tightly in their hands.

Upstairs, they settled into chairs around a large conference tabled that was banked by a wall of glass overlooking downtown Manhattan, sunlight diffused through the bank of clouds. They didn’t have to wait long before the owner of S.H.I.E.L.D. Productions and the director tasked with the Assvengers’ films walked into the room. They all stood at attention when the two men entered, but the owner motioned for them to sit.

“Gentlemen and ladies, good morning.”

Darcy pushed the nearly empty container toward him. “Director Fury, would you like a pastry?”

The tall man fixed her with an imposing stare from his one good eye. “No nuts?” he asked gruffly.

Darcy shook her head vigorously and the edges of scarred skin around Nick Fury’s eye patch crinkled into a smile. The theory amongst the Assvengers was that he had lost his right eye when semen mixed with glow-in-the-dark liquid had squirted into his eye. It was something they used to terrify the new recruits to S.H.I.E.L.D. into respecting and obeying Director Nick Fury.

Fury’s second in command, his producer and assistant director, Phil Coulson, smiled warmly at Darcy as he finished his pastry.

“Excellent, Ms. Lewis. I expect this will make a debut at the gallery soon?”

Outside of making porn films for S.H.I.E.L.D., the Assvengers all had slightly more normal jobs. Steve drew comics for Marvel. Clint taught archery at the City College of New York, while Bruce taught physics. The school knew about their side job and didn’t care as long as they didn’t recruit students for S.H.I.E.L.D. No one was really surprised that Tony was a genius underneath the good looks and snark; he was a contractor for NASA on experimental thermonuclear rocket fuel. Nat spent her days teaching pole dancing fitness classes and did burlesque on the weekends; she was known as one of the best in Brooklyn. Coulson ran an art gallery in Williamsburg, outside the hustle and bustle of Manhattan. Darcy ran the coffee bar inside the gallery and prided herself in featuring her culinary experiments – all of them delicious and a result of her culinary Masters. Bucky taught self-defense classes for women, boxing, and three different styles of martial arts classes at the boxing gym he and Fury co-owned. No one in the Assvengers knew how that co-venture had come about and the imposing glower that Fury gave whenever someone asked mad them not want to know. Thor did pro bono work for the family court system in New York. He had come from a family of lawyers and been expected to head the family’s law firm, but he had had a falling out with his brother several years before over the types of cases they would handle. Now he spent his days fighting for those who couldn’t afford legal counsel or advocacy.

When Darcy nodded in response to Coulson’s question, he smiled.

“Excellent.” Turning to Fury, he asked, “Should we start?”

Fury queued up a list on the large screen monitor. “As you all know, it’s the beginning of the new quarter and Coulson and I have put together a list of the films we’ll be producing in the next few months.”

As the Assvengers scanned the list, some groaned and some chuckled at the titles on the screen. Among the list were gems such as _Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Boner_ , _Apollo 69_ , and _Strictly Into Dick_.

“ _Busty The Vampire Slayer_ , really?” Nat asked, biting back a laugh.

“We’ll have to die your hair blonde for that one, Nat,” Coulson said. He looked to Bucky. “You’ll be her co-star for that one, playing Angel.”

Steve and Bucky fist-bumped while Clint and Tony put their heads on the table to cover their laughter. Bruce just sighed with a wry smile on his face.

“It’s going to be one of those quarters, isn’t it?” he asked quietly with a chuckle.

Coulson turned to the physics professor and grinned. “Be careful what you wish for, Dr. Banner. You’ll be playing Harry in the Potter knock-off.”

“Hey!” Bruce yelped in protest. “Not fair! Make Tony do it!”

Fury’s grin turned almost feral as he stared the two scientists down. “Oh, we have something better planned for him, Bruce. Tony will be playing the love interest in _Strictly Into Dick_.”

“Dare I ask who will be playing the lead role?” Steve asked, lifting his coffee mug to his lips.

“You will, Captain. You’ll be playing Dick.”

Steve choked on his coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I will attempt to write the smut for each of the aforementioned pornos and post them as part of this crazy AU. Enjoy!


End file.
